December 16, 2005


Yes, Virginia, there really IS an upside-down Christmas tree!

Whether hung from the ceiling or balanced on its top needles in a weighted base, these freaks of artificial nature start at $250 and, if you want a pre-lit one, it'll set you back about $600. Seems stores and online catalogs can't keep up with the demand and are selling these things head over heels. Which begs the question: "What tha....?"

But hold onto your Christmas balls, folks! Maybe we shouldn't rush to judgment on these topsy-turvy tannenbaums. The dysfunctional elves at "Some People Will Buy Anything, LLC", are proclaiming possible promotional perks for the dangling 6 foot-plus centerpieces:

~Additional room underneath (on top?) of the tree to cram (as George Carlin says) "Even more stuff".

~Since there's no lower (upper?) branches poking into the sofa or side chairs, you'l have more seating space. (Dang! So much for the "not-enough-room-excuse" you've been hauling out each year in order not to invite your neighbors, the bickering, obnoxious Woolfs, George & Martha).

~Lower liquor bill. (See...ya don't tell anyone about the new tree, and when someone starts yammering about "a tree hanging from the ceiling", just smile, pat them on the shoulder reassuringly while removing that glass of your best Chivas from their trembling hand and tell them they're cut off for the night.)

But, Whoa!...reign in that credit card, Rudolph! Dancer and Prancer in R&D may have overlooked some possible downsides:

(1) Where do you put the star? And if you use an angel, wouldn't that just be so wrong to have her skirt up around her head?

(2) After the big man in the red suit exits the chimney and gets a load of this thing, will it harm the sensitivities of the little tikes hearing befuddled Santa's jolly "HoHo...Holy Sh*t!"?

(3) If the Earth should spin out of its orbit, will the tree then be right-side up and will we be hanging from the ceiling? Will reindeers collide? Between the two of them....can Martha Stewart and Stephen Hawking salvage this tree as "a good thing"?

(5) Wasn't this one of the dire prophecies foretold to Ebenezer by the Ghost of Christmas-Yet-To-Come, the evil King Wensi-WalMart?? Good grief! Wasn't poor Tim's little cane by the empty chair depressing enough?

(6) Finally... and perhaps most importantly - Since technically the decorations are also hanging upside down, would this alter or interfere in any way with the proper, specific functioning of particular Christmas tree decorations? Say, for instance....a bell ornament? I mean, as unthinkable as this may be.....Could...could this mean that Clarence wouldn't ever get his wings? Would Zuzu have to pawn her petals to Mr. Potter to save the Bailey Savings & Loan?

This could have cataclysmic repercussions!

For now, I'm quite happy with my little upright balsam fir, and about the only concern I have with it becoming upside down is if my two cats decide it might just look better that way after all!

Yrrem samtsirhC! & Yppah syadiloH

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